Earrings should not weigh more than pets.

Tony Foley only receives the crossword puzzle on the weekends. Whatever.

My kitten just got really excited.

So aforementioned wiry young actor has joined the navy.

What one has to do to join the navy is as follows:

a.  heaps of paperwork regarding all previous employment, marriage certification, resumes, vocal range, eye color, how many times you blew your nose in the past year, etc.

b.  a seven hour standardized test on basic subjects like algebra, reading, and a whole new alphabet that has nothing to do with anything and features pairings like M: Mule Hickey and S:  sinusitis.

c.  an intense physical examination. Shots, sweating, lots of probing in all probability. I refuse to inquire any further into that subject.

d.  having a DEAR CLOSE PERSONAL FRIEND drive you out to the middle of an abandoned strip of run down hotels in the middle of a sewage strewn field next to the airport in the middle of the night and leave you for dead.

You are then fetched at dawn's crack by a bus from God knows where and driven to the nearest army base where you are ridiculed for practicing vegetarianism, your fine humor is completely misunderstood , and for all your trouble you are resplendently assigned to man the naval gift shop.

I would rather chew on a Rotunda.

Anyway, I am very pleased for this actor. And I think I am getting an assault rifle out of the deal.

Tonight I tried to drink champagne. I really did. I drank one cup by staring at Jan and repeating to myself, "If she can do it, humans can do it."

But then I got around to my second cup and just could not get past the fact that I was drinking Lysol, so I stopped and gorged myself on chubby grapes and some oniony glue-ish dip spread onto Wheat Thins.

Nancy really enjoys her ribbed tops.

Today Brett referred to me as a nasty fat rodent and I beamed for hours. This is something I don't have the fingerpower to go into explaining.

I really love Hardee's sweet tea.