Tuesday, June 29, 2010


Dear Betty,

I'm sorry that you are insane. Perhaps I take partial responsibility for that, as it was I who mostly raised your nasty little ass, and I accept whatever responsibility that may be. (Even though if any of this is a result of your header off the kitchen counter at the age of 6.5 hours which resulted in your cock eye- that was Brett and not me, so get over it.)
It is also NOT MY FAULT that you spent the first 10 weeks of your life sucking your brothers' penis for all it was worth.
You will never know the repercussions your behavior has had.
(Now that I think on it, perhaps that is why one of his testicles was missing. It no doubt retreated in holy terror to his shoulder blade to escape your cavernous maw. You owe me $260.)
I don't really see where you current behavior issues are stemming from. You suck on your tail, so that urge is seen to. In fact, you can get a good six inches down there. And I think you are abrading the lining of your esophagus with this behavior as the sucked portion of your tail is now tinged maroon with what appears to be old blood.
Not my problem.
You are also fed, and watered, and littered at all times.
Ergo, there is no reason for you to poop in the shower, remove the screens from the windows, and poop on my CareBear cup.
I had to throw it out.
I do not believe that you speak English, you nasty little interloper critter, so you cannot be upset due to overhearing Adam and I ecstatically plot your demise.
I guess you know Maggie loves you. Which she DOES, make no mistake.
And she's not here now.
But she will be back, so I'm going to need for you to just settle down, stop missing your mother, and STOP LOOKING AT ME.

Your former stepmother,


Thursday, June 24, 2010

Sounded AMAZING.

Once upon a time a show started. You weren't sure of this, because what happened was what appeared to be one of the crew wandered out on stage (the fact that he wandered instead of minced was impressive due to the snugness of his britches), sat down and began fiddling with the guitar prop.
Next, Charlie Brown came onstage and gave everyone in the audience a complete set breakdown/tour.
Toward the end of the tour, Durron made a phone call down right.
Finally the cast appeared onstage and sang a rousing number about not being financially responsible while simultaneously having a contest to see who could dislocate their bottom jaw first.
Then everyone left, except for the man with the plaid tights (whom we have now ascertained is definitely in the show), and to celebrate his victory in the "How Wide Can You Open Your Mouth" contest, he sang another song in which he cleverly used the word "glory" a lot because the "o" vowel is one that really shows off that particular skill.
Then he is interrupted by a small girl with two bad knees who at first just wants to borrow a match, but ends up staying for most of the next two hours.
While she is here on this first visit, she enchants plaid man with her daredevil personality by narrowly avoiding setting her hair (not to mention his cardboard house) on fire and letting him see what the crotch of electric blue leggings looks like.
Then Durron comes back and teaches everyone a lesson about how not to be an Indian giver with his bucket of Captain Crunch.
A man dressed as Santa jumps around on the furniture for a while until Durron decides he really should take back his Captain Crunch and get out of there.
Then Charlie Brown sings a song with Joy Newsome who is really talented and wearing slacks. They get a lot done during the song. With the exception of a minor quaffle over where one of the set pieces should live, they manage to rehearse their number, and show Maggie Marlin how well they are coming along with the choreography.
Meanwhile, Durron has been sitting backstage and thinking about how much fun he had goading his friends with his pseudo-gift of Captain Crunch, and is thinking how much MORE FUN it would be to taunt homeless people with the possibility of cereal and then take it away. Especially since it's Christmas, and the poor fuckers might actually think he was giving them a present.
So Santa and Durron and Charlie Brown go downtown and perform a number from "Newsies" for the homeless people, which turns out to be so inspiring that some of them do a dance break and are so invigorated that they really don't mind so much when, during the set change, Durron once again reclaims his Captain Crunch.
At this point, apparently the costumer had sent word backstage that there needed to be some costume re-assignments, so a bunch of the inventory is brought out onstage and fittings take place while the cast sings through another one of their numbers.
Sadly for me, this one really awesome colorful plaid coat was ruled out as an option for Durron, but he did end up getting a really great leather jacket, so that's good.
Then all the lights went out.
Then a woman with a wide stance did the Maureen number about cows. Very well done. During the number, the cranky landlord fellow (who is upset because he married a girl who in the first scene, tricked him into thinking she was rather well-to-do, but turned out to be a homeless person who doesn't have even the sense not to go out in the snow in only pantyhose) arrives and watches for a little while.
He remains cranky and leaves.
Then everyone goes out to Applebees where they really annoy the staff by asking to put like five tables together and ordering a lot of food that isn't even on the menu just before closing.
They sing a song and behave somewhat lewdly while they wait for their appetizers.
Matt James is having dinner on the terrace nearby and is privy to the whole thing, but wisely remains in his seat.
The girl with the bad knees and the blue leggings from before has been participating wholeheartedly in the impromptu recititation of every item any of the cast has ever heard about, but it goes on a little long, so she heads out side to clear her head and take an aspirin. Unfortunatly, Plaid Man follows her and proceeds to make her headache worse by making jokes about her name, "Mimi," and the word "me."
She decides to go home with him anyway because she knows that her costume for Act II is much more comfortable and is anxious to get to intermission so she can change.
Charlie Brown comes downstage one more time with his toy camera and says something about something.
Then a bump cue doesn't happen so we wait a while as the lights fade to black.
I eat some brownie bites.
When the evening resumes, we discover that during intermission, the entire cast has been arrested and, as a result, are forced to perform 525,600 Minutes while waiting in line for their mugshots.
But that doesn't take long, and so the show resumes.
Everyone gets really excited about a new set piece they have found, so they prop it up at center stage and hang out there for a while.
They Joy Newsome and the woman with the wide stance sing a fantastic duet, during which Durron is forced to carry Santa around the stage because he has the sniffles and is being a picky baby about which picnic table he wants to fall asleep on.
Next, Bad Knees drops her bag of cocaine on the floor, and, as her bad knees to do not allow for her to bend down and pick it up, she sings a gut-wrenching solo about how sad she will be now that she is forced to go without it.
Somewhere during all the orthopedic woe, Santa Claus dies, and as a penalty, is forced to strike the largest bedsheet all by himself during the next scene change.
Durron (who apparently had really enjoyed the last number) wanders brokenly downstage and bemoans the fact that is is over. But he proves to be inconsolable, and all he can think of to do to distract himself is to polish the silver. He does such a fine job with the ice bucket that he brings it out onstage and sets it on the up center platform for everyone to admire.
Which they do.
Then everyone breaks up with everyone else, Bad Knees changes into another pair of leggings, and just when, much to Charlie Brown's chagrin, everyone seems to be at odds forever, someone has the great idea of putting on a performance of "Sleeping Beauty," which they do, and everyone lives happily ever after.