Where do porcupines live in the winter?

Last night.

Oh I just noticed I have a big pink stain on my dress. Is probably popsicle.

I went to see "Fully Committed." Had a very fetching date (MV) in a sky blue shirt and ivory slacks. That sounds mysterious. We ate globs of mozzarella cheese, fried green tomatoes and crab dip. Also I had diet coke, which I received free.

Got some tomatoes as well, which leaked all over my crotch in the car and made for a real-conversation starter of a stain.

Saw Essie. I complimented her on her necessary cow pin with three pearls dangling as udders. Thought, "I would love to wear that."

After the show, she gave it to me. Which was the most wonderful thing in weeks. Put it right on.

Jill Bari wants it now.

Have named it Esther.

Scott was stupendously excellent.

There. I've said a nice thing about him. That'll be that.

Robert Throckmorton was there. He always looks so nice. And expensive. White slacks.

Also so funny. Feel like I have an in with some important titled people in England because I know him.

Want to bring my whole family to see it.

The show, not Robert. Boy, that'd be awkward.

Though it was a very different experience watching him do it as opposed to just listening to him do it from the floor with my eyes closed. Wantatuba had choreography I wasn't mentally prepared for. No matter. She still made me clutch my cheeks and chortle.

Anyhow. I didn't go to softball this morning as I was out rather late eating pie with Wendy and Michael and arguing with Scott. Also I woke up at the crack of 6am certain that someone was locked in my bathroom. Trapped. I heroically sprang out of bed and ran around to the door and knocked smartly.

Wasn't trapped.

Admired the sunlight on the wall and hardwood floor as it looks so beautiful at that hour and not again during the day. Then went back to sleep.

Surprise sleeps between my jaw and my shoulder. He loves me.

I have done quite a collection of astoundingly peculiar things in my sleep. Woke up once kneeling on the side of the bed with my face pressed to the wall hissing like a snake. Loudly. Was, I think, convinced I was Harry Potter.

Also once woke Brett up clapping my hands and squealing "Oh look! Oh look! My collection!" Woke up, realized I had been sure I had designed my final collection for Project Runway based around my Carebear that sits at the head of the bed. He's the grouchy one with thunder on his tummy. I also had a big yellow Carebear when I was small with a cupcake on his tummy. I don't remember him from the books.

Grouchiness and cupcakes.

It's a beautiful day.

Just went over to feed Lola and Betty Draper. Betty Draper greeted me with lots of bites and scratches so I kicked her across the room. That got through to her pretty well. I think Maggie is more tender in her discipline. Betty then draped (ahahaha) herself all over me with licks and purring and then nestled down to sleep on my back. I am dozing off as well when I hear SUCK SUCK SUCK SUCK SUCK SUCK SUCK SUCK SUCK!

I roll over and notice that she has gotten a good fourth of her tail down her throat and has been cheerfully sucking it for all it's worth.

Now- this is a recurring problem. When kittens are very young, they are blind, and all they do is nurse and sleep. And fall off of high counter tops, but that's beside the point.

You just put the bottle in their mouth and off they go. Well, Betty really liked the sucking action from the bottle. Soothing to her.

Also- when kittens are under 3-4 weeks old they have to be stimulated to cause them to use the bathroom. This is typically done by the mother, who licks them in their "AREAS."

But when you raise them by hand you have to do it. With your mouth.

Really with a paper towel.

But back to the blind thing. When I would leave the kittens alone in their box they would be asleep. Then I would come home and there would be pee and poop all over the place and Surprise would by lying prone on his back with a look of shock (hence the name) on his face. Betty would be right there between his legs going to town.

In her blindness, she mistook his junk for a nipple. Which in turn, made him pee and poop with no end in sight.

And this was not something I could ever get her to stop. It was like sharks after a hemophiliac.

You would just have to grab her and toss her across the room.

Thought that she had outgrown this habit. Nope. That is what she is doing with her tail.

Loud. Can't nap through it.

Debra and I are going to wear our brightly colored woolies to the cabaret tomorrow.

I'm starving.

Boar vagina.

So a game I like to play is to come up with outlandish ideas for what the secret ingredient would be on Iron Chef America.

This is a fabulous game.

Just try.

The title is one example.

Also I like to think how I would be on that show and the ingredient would be swordfish and the commentator would be so confused watching me plate bowls of Fruity Pebbles and Pop-Tarts and just laying a whole entire swordfish over top of all of my plates.

I have never eaten lobster. I would like to. Imagine it might taste like shrimp.

I really want to go to IHOP. Am all for getting a bunch of us together and going.

Oh the sky is lovely tonight. Is lavender with balls of pink.

Went to see "The Hangover" today. I laughed very much. I also enjoyed that my party was the only party in the theater. I always secretly hope that will happen and it hasn't til today. But then I do think it takes away a bit from the movie-going experience when you do not have to whisper.

Apparently such a thing exists as "mashed potato soup." I just got very excited.

I imagine one would have to use an awful lot of quail eggs to make a decent sized omelet.

This has turned into an all about food blog. Should be on Janine's page.

Am trying to read "Love in the Time of Gonorrhea." Have yet to get hooked, though the description on the back seems promising.

I'm hungry now. Must decide what to do about that.

Ok.

ALL THIS IS MEANT AS HIGHEST COMPLIMENT. I HAVE NEVER BEEN ONE TO FEEL THAT ANY OF THE HOUSES HAVE AN INHERENTLY NEGATIVE CONNOTATION.

My reasons could be as simple as I think you would look good in the house colors.

And why would I have put you on here if I didn't hold you in high regard. I wouldn't.

Harry Potter House Assignments:

RAVENCLAW

Paul Deiss

Brett Ambler
Emily Becker
Richard Koch

Ali Thibodeau

Jon Perez
Susan Sanford

Maggie Roop

Rachel Abrams

Frank Creasy

Lisa Kotula

Aly Wepplo

David Janeski

Erin Thomas

Deb Clinton

Robin Harris-Jones

HUFFLEPUFF

Durron Tyre

Joe Doran

Jen Meharg

Ellie Atwood (Hufflepuff Homecoming Queen)

Fern Rivadeniera

Peggy Thibodeau

Sean Dunavant

Cory Williams

Matt Shofner

Tony Foley

Jennings Whiteway

Michael Vandergrift

Alia Bisharat

Jacquie O'Connor

Brandon Becker

GRYFFINDOR

Hannah Zold

John Story

Tom Width*

Joseph Papa (though he yearns to be in Hufflepuff)

Robyn O'Neill

Ginnie Willard (Captain of Quidditch)

Chase (descended from long line of Hufflepuffs)

Wendy Gentile
Lucas Hall

Eric Stallings

Drew Siegla

Sandy Dacus

Adam Dorland

Joy Williams

Hanna Clinton

Mary-Page Nance
Vicki McLeod

SLYTHERIN

ROBIN ARTHUR (how I managed to forget that one)

Sam Pinkleton

Katrinah Lewis

The Debra

Janine Serresseque (the hat had trouble with this)

Matt Hackman

Joe Pabst

Michael Hawke

Mackenzie Mercer

Eric Williams

Sean Williams

Jill Bari

Chris Stewart
John Hagadorn

AMPLEBUFFER

Audra Honaker

Jason Marks- Choir Teacher at Hogwarts School of Wizardry.

Ford Flannagan- Defense Against the Darks Arts teacher

Steve Perigard- Greenhouse tenderperson. Can just see him with his snips. In green.

Robert Throckmorton- Minerva McGonagall

Scott Wichmann- House Elf

I was watching an episode of The Office yesterday online and it was having trouble "buffering" so I thought, I bet if I went up to the tv and pressed my chest against it it would be amply buffered.

Then realized "Amplebuffer" is a top-notch name for a Hogwarts house. And that I would be in it. And the hat would cry out (very confusedly) AMPLEBUFFER! And Audra Mason is the only one in this house! AND- she's a Muggle! How did she get in here?

And then I would have to sit at my own small round table in the great hall and eat pancakes at meals.

And I would have a cape with glitter and kittens and hippos on it.

And my lost cat Jack Cheese would be my owl.

And because I was a Muggle, I would have no spells, except for the spell "AGOIGUM!" which I will scream as I run up to you and yank down your pants.

Everyone there will be very annoyed by me.

And when I somehow get into Diagon Alley, I will go to the wand store and Mr. Ollivander will excuse himself upon meeting me to run across the street to the Weasley's toy store and buy one of those oversized pencils like we used in "Urinetown." He will present this to me and tell me it is "pine with a core of graphite." And I will wave this around and have it next to my plate when I eat.

I am very pleased with this.

If I have forgotten anyone, or if you would like to be re-sorted, do let me know.

Twisty hookers.

I've been convinced it was 7pm since 2:30pm this afternoon. Remain so.

Is probably due to the rain.

Surprise has completely exhausted himself and is napping in my face. When he gets to this point, I could shut him in the freezer and he wouldn't flinch.

Tonight is Sam's birthday. We forget about each others' birthdays every single year.

Almost threw out my grandmothers' engagement ring today. ACCIDENTALLY MOM. I was horrified. Have been wearing it since. Though I don't usually wear jewelry and it makes me feel like my hand is caught in a can opener.

Hannah is coming over to have a True Blood catchupathon.

Who thinks I should get bangs?

I'll tell you what. It is not my favorite thing to perform the solos of large black tenors with lovelorn sincerity.

It IS one of my favorite things to perform "Agony" from "Into the Woods." Have always wanted to perform that somewhere. With Russell or Sam.

Guess this reality show: So You Think You Can Corn Darts.

Hannah and I are going to walk over to 7-11 before I turn nasty.

I "can" stay up later than Chris.

Had a very relaxing day today of doing nothing irksome and seeing very few people. Not that I don't like seeing people. 

Had a sleepover last night. I love waking up at other people's homes. Like when I house-sit and such. Washed Joy's tights. Sat in Adam and Maggie's den for half an hour. Went home. Napped with Surprise. Made dinner. Went for walk. Laughed a LOT. Had my shoe tied. Wrestled in the grass. Watched "True Blood." 

Now typing.

Sometimes wish I could be awake while I sleep as to more thoroughly enjoy myself.

I think the whole male hairstyle/gel thing is extremely out of hand. 

I really want to brush my teeth.

Brief.

Just went to see HARRY POTTER AND THE ELEVENTH GRADERS WHO WOULDN'T STAY OUT OF THE ATTIC.

It was very good. Might have liked it partially because other people said they didn't. But I liked it.

Really liked all the scenes about the romances and stuff.

It is Kid's Jeopardy this week. Furious.

Want Alex Trebek to be embarrassed. That's very mean of me.

But he does have on a nice tie.

Do not like chihuahuas.

Is all I have to say at this time.

Thirsty.

I keep forgetting that Margaret and I have painted our toenails neon colors. So every time I remove my sneakers I am surprised and feel sassy.

Saw a deep red luscious looking birthday cake that was shaped like a lobster in a window on my walk tonight. WANT THIS CAKE FOR MY BIRTHDAY. Anyone who cares to remember that may. Was reminded of how much I like walking at night and seeing things in windows and in the sky and on people's porches and whatnot. Did that one night in Chicago by myself. Was so lovely. Saw lots of lit up bushes and other things that I wanted to send friends pictures of when I saw something someone in particular would particularly like. 

Also this beautiful cloud over Willow Lawn tonight. Looked like a brain. Was pink and wrinkled and rumply and just beautiful. Took a picture with my phone. In phone picture, looks like a thumb.

My downstairs neighbors are obviously renting that apartment for use as a recording studio and nothing else. Do not understand how one thinks it is ok to play electric guitar and sing into a microphone at 3 a.m. in a building with 12 other people trying to sleep. Do not mind at all during the day. Up to a point. Find it humorous. I think they have played a grand total of 5, maybe 6 chords since they landed here a month ago. Occasionally someone will come by to play who is very good. Also they have trumpet. But have honestly seen eight or ten people going and coming from that apartment, never the same person, and tonight was behind a girl trying to go in the front door with a key (doesn't require a key-- the DOWNSTAIRS DOOR Robyn) who had on those shorts that display 3/8 of the lower portion of one's fanny. Blonde hair, eyes that were looking everywhere all at once. Entered the foyer. I sprang past her with a cordial smile and last I saw she was crouched on the tiles muttering curses to a pizza box. 

Went to camp this morning. Wanted to stuff all the children into a hamper. But it is always those days that wind up being the most fun. Practiced their songs once, then got them all up on the Driving Miss Daisy set and forced them to learn the dance break to "God Put The Rhythm in Me" from Altar Boyz. This went over VERY WELL. Some of them thought I was "cool." Others kept tugging on my shorts asking through their panting if we could please play something called Kitty in the Corner. I do not play this. Do not know what it is, but do not play it.

Is probably a result of whatever made me absolutely terrified to play such things as Duck Duck Goose growing up. Unplanned interaction TERRIFYING then. Still sort of. But regardless, still that sort of game makes me want to gargle caulk.

Really enjoy using caulk to frost prop cakes. Like pressing caulk. Also like pressing all the meats in the packages in the grocery store. Love that. 

Went for long walk today. Walked to the bookstore, purchased magazine and then came back by the GameStop where I wandered in to see if Scott could putt-putt me the rest of the way home but he said he will be working til one. So I hung out in there for awhile with him and Petty Officer Wanker. Now- Scott will tell you that he has been telling me this man's name is Winker all along. Untrue. He's been talking about him ever since he began morphing into a navally person and calling him Wanker. Then I see his nametag and it is Winker. He immediately asks me if I am from Britain. 

The staff of the GameStop and I carefully analyzed the Mary-Louise Parker photo spread in Esquire magazine wherein she is holding pies wearing only an apron. I had been hearing buzz about this article so was disappointed to see that in this shot I'd been hearing about her fanny resembled a mostly depleted baggie of pudding. 

Still really want to go to a Japanese restaurant. If anyone likes that food, holla.